Dear FB, this is Auntie Carol, and you're the only one I can trust right now. It's about my friend, and Dastardly Dame, Lady Lynda. I am on my way over to her domicile to have fisticuffs with her. You see, she wants to put Joaquin Phoenix as head of our men's club, a very exclusive club. So exclusive, in fact, that men frequently don't even know they're in it. I want Johnny Depp. Anyone can see he's much better than Joaquin Phoenix! I'm going to kick her ass, and I deign to use such a vulgar term. It's four hours later, and I have two black eyes, and a busted lip. I look like a very tall racoon.