Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Posts Tagged ‘etiquette.’

Lady Lynda stepped up from the wood side steps to the stage. Once she got there her signs of nervousness disappeared. She quickly perused the mostly young to middle aged crowd. Her observation was couples in various ethnic groups, including blacks and Hispanics. She tastefully cleared her throat and started lecturing. The middle aged woman looked demure in her lemon chiffon sheath.
“I am truly grateful you came here to see my teach you proper manners. Can you imagine how thrilled I am to be on this tour. I want to thank you from the cockles of my heart…”

Suddenly a young rowdy male teenager in tee and jeans yelled “WTF lady!!!”

Lady Lynda replied “My dear young man. I understand what you are trying to say. Allow me to tell you my talk is only tonight. I’m terribly sorry but its not Wednesday, Thursday, Friday too.”

Lady Lynda partook from the cup nearby. “Its only water. I think it was be the height of impropriety to drink something stronger. I’m certain you get my drift. Getting back to my talk. Etiquette is the art of making people feel comfortable. Specifically my mission is to save young womenkind of hellocious influence of this dastardly world. Do your utmost never to disparage anyone. If you need to do so, do it discreetly. In that way they won’t get hurt. As they say what they don’t know won’t hurt them. Please don’t comment on disparities too. For instance if you see a man whose 2’8” and a man whose over 8′ don’t say well thats the short and the tall of it. Pardon the sentiment of telling a person with different colored eyes. Well one blew this and the other blew that way. These two examples bring back the time Seymour and I visited the World Cheapest Freak Show in Intercourse PA. Stop tittering. That’s the height of decadence. I forlornly remember the star freak was a man with a deviated septum. The poor dear I thought but for the grace of the LORD there go I. Here’s a different example If you ever meet siblings who were born conjoined twins never mention the song by Peaches and Herb “Reunited. I deign believe it would traumatize the poor dears. Let them go their separate ways. I recall some years ago a dear woman friend called me in the middle of night. She was utterly distraught discovering her favorite male movie star was bald. I consoled her by mentioning ‘Look what he’d save in hair products. Why the snickering?” Lady Lynda inquired puzzled and rather miffed.

Some slutty young woman yelled “That’s not the only benefit. Besides I could really use a “Snickers” right now. as she snickered.

“Pray tell what ever could be some other good in being hair deprived?

A sassy young woman dressed in a purple shag hair style, matching make up in the latest Goth fashion yelled “A different benefit comes to be me right away” She emphasized the word comes ever so slightly but enough that many of the individuals there quickly understood her drift.

Lady Lynda still puzzled decided to ignore the woman who so intensely reminded her of the female charges of the “Charm School for Wayward Girls” If only this dear waif was so unfortunate not be part of her class. Maybe if she ignored her crude remark and continued on with her talk, the poor dear just might learn a thing about proper manners. Such as not interrupting with crude remarks.

Lady Lynda continued smoothing out her fine lemon chiffon dress to regain her composure. “Moving on I remember the other day I was walking through the corridor of a subway station. A young man came up to me and said he wanted to let his thing do its thing with me. I told him of course constructively yet firmly. That was the worst pick up line ever!!!” Besides thing is such a general term. He looked peeved at me but it was for his own edification. I told you won’t impress if you are redundant. Let me repeat. Noone likes someone who uses redundancies.”

“Speaking of being redundant I hope you were edified by my talk and I continue my tour. I wish you adeiu my dears.”

Advertisements

Read Full Post »

Lady Lynda Descends

Lady Lynda May Hoffenfetter Toze was filled with glee. Her tour was finally commencing. She was delightfully pleased she made a concerted effort to start her delectable teachings was here. The ruffians of society would be saved by her elucidations. It would be a fait accompli. Her fervent dedication, preparation would now pay off.
This was moment she was waiting for. At last she would make her grand entrance to the dilapidated peons of society. Lady Lynda told herself she would gently, genteely elucidate proper manners. Never, no matter how ignominious, she would never impugn them.
To do so, she dogmatically reminded herself would the height of rudeness. Plus it was intolerably insensitive. It wasn’t their fault they were so ignorant. It was her duty to teach them. Not to harangue the ignorant crowd.

Now was the moment. She would momentarily make her grand entrance onto the stage. Her flowing lemon yellow chiffon dress she so tastefully wore would complement her tasteful gold and garnet jewelry. There Lady Lynda would instruct the people the way of correct etiquette. They would be boors no more.

It was at the Lula P. Dankwarth municipal Conference Center. It was in Savannah GA. It would be at the grand ballroom. She wished she wasn’t feeling butterflies in her stomach. So much so it seemed as if an entire colony. She was glad she put on enough deodorant, antiperspirant and lightly dusted herself with lilac dusting powder. On her soft delicate hands, stylish white gloves. Oh yes she thought that would be the height of rudeness to let them see her sweat or even worse, emit a disagreeable odor. She would be a hypocrite.

Even so Lady Lynda was pleased her flowing chiffon outfit breathed in a most delightful manner. Now if only she could breath as delightfully. This was the moment of truth. It was do or well she realized the rest of the saying. She would appear to be a blithe, sophisticated spirit. But underneath she was feeling like a charlatan. She knew it was imperative she was up to the task. But just this once she would seize the moment.

Read Full Post »