Yal’ this be Ol’ Wanda Lust and I gots somethin’ way strange to tell ya’ Sometimes Auntie Carol and Lady Lynda snatches me up to do some charity work wid’ someone that turn them off. See Mr. Adzhole Sillipeder, wuz one such person. What the hey, he got six arms like a damn spider and hie one right eye lists to the left. At first as he talk to me I notices he got one hand playin’ solitaire, another slicking down his cowlick and another a pourin’ me some tea. The first thing he says is “I’m not Vishnu as you might think.”
Then he bust out in cackles like he Jerry Seinfield funny. So I laughs to be po-lite and wonder who is this Vishnu character. Still don know. Then we has chatty chat and he ast me where I go to college Then I laughs for real. I come to you from the College of Ceilings and Bed Springs but I can tell he don’t get it. He say ‘My, I never heard of that school” he say
. He act like wearin’ see through knit sweaters wid’ no bra and pink leather micro mini wid’ high kicky boots in Broad daylight don’ send out some kinda message. He call me young lady and lissen’ intently to ever dumb shit thing come outa my mouth. When I ask for three big ones, and he open his raggedy ‘ol wallet and hand me thirty dollars. I sez, No that aint what I means. It had to be bout $300,000. Ya see he a billionaire. He say no he too po’ to put out that kinda cash. I keeps my head and don get mad. I see the ratty curtains and worn out old furniture and how it all dark inside the house wid just one floor light on, (obvious that he want to save on light bills). He really think he poor and then I sees what the matter. He aint never had no real love his whole life. So he think he poor and he wuz in a kinda way.. Then I gets a flash of inspiration form de Lord.. Wasn’t nobody else, This was pure genius. Ten Cent Tilly too old and ugly to really hook anymo’.. Damnit, Wanda, I think, lets git him hitched, And Tilly with that hump on her back and one leg shorter than another was never a successful hooker. Right up his alley and Birds of a Feather. He gone be mush looser wid’ his cash if he happy.’And she gone be happy too. She jes’ happy if anyone give her a sawbuck, a smile and don’t kick the shit out of her jes’ for be’in so ugly. She been abused her whole life but she a straight up Christian. All the bums know she a “soft touch” and they hits on her for money and cigarettes. And Lord. that girl should stop, coughing a lung up, and drinkin’ off the hook. She love anybody whut is good to her and the kind of love to die for you. You can’t git’ that from nobody but Tilly.
I say “Lissen, here, doll face, I gots a plan fo’ your life. I be the fuckin’ Ghost of Christmas Future’. You gone git’ hitched, Mr. Aszhole Sillypeder”.
Me? Married? Does she come from a good family.”..
“She aint got but the clothes on her back and a cheap room downtown and that aint make her bitter. Tilly be a powerful person, Mr. Adzhole. You gon do jes’ like I say. Comprende?’
“Well, when do I meet her at least, please. Wanda, I’m scared.”.
‘You, aint got nothin” to fear. And I got one favor to ast ya. Would you get that tarantula off your shoulder?”
“Oh, you mean, Ron. A distant relative on my mother’s side,”he said..
AND, YAL, THE REST IS HISTORY.