Auntie Carol loved her girl’s Las Cabronas, but they had reached graduation age and were going out to find jobs, further education, and, in some cases, husbands, (men of valor). Some chose to tread the path of career girls, while other planned to follow the path of stay at home, wives and mothers. Auntie Carol prided herself on her guidance skills in the realm of wedded bliss.
“Dearest ones, a man is king of the household and ruler of the realm. Always put his needs before your own yet, darlings, be not a door mat. A man likes a little spice in his life. Be a good bed mate and do not develop “headaches” at inopportune times. Be a James Bond woman in the boudoir, and Betty Crocker in the kitchen. A woman who can make good crepes is a treasure indeed to a valiant steed. A little witticism for you girls.”
“Oh, very funny, Miz Carol. Ha. Ha. Who is this Betty Crocker, chick, anyway?” quipped LaLa.
“Just about the most successful homemaker of all time, Dear, “ she replied.
“Well, we don’t know who she is, hyde nor hair of her. A little witticism for you, Miz Carol,” retorted LaLa.
“Well, perhaps you girls know Rachel Ray, I deign to say,” replied Auntie Carol.
“You’re rhyming again, Mz. Carol. Francisco says only psychos go around rhyming,” intoned LaLa.
“I chose to ignore that little bit of misinformation, a faulty formation at my behest as you suggest.”
“Miz Carol, no offence, but sometimes we think you’re ‘phone ringing and nobody home’ or a bit looney. That’s not to say you aren’t right most of the time,” interjected Chiquita, holding her baby.
“Genius is always misunderstood, darlings,” said Auntie Carol, as she swiped one gloved hand across her forehead for emphasis. And she thought of the theme song of the movie “To Sir, With Love.” “He took me from crayons to perfume” and fancied her life story playing out on the silver screen. The title of the movie could be “Tramps Are Oft Misunderstood”.
“Oh, girls, we all have come so far. I, too, made the journey with you, every step of the way, from dejection and rebellion, being little hellions to optimism and self respect. Your souls I did not neglect. You are now ready to be wives and mothers, and career girls if it bemuses you. I say the role of mother and wife should still be the penultimate achievement of a woman’s life even if there’s strife. As in the song, ‘Nature Boy’, “The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is to love, and be loved in return.”
“Did Snoop Dog do that song, Miz Carol. Psych,” laughed LaLa. “We know you love us and only want the best for us, even more than our own mothers, most times. We love you, as well, Miz Carol, and Miz Lynda, too, ”said LaLa. “This is our last week with, and we’ll sure miss you, Miz Carol.”
“And I shall miss all your beauteous faces and I know you’re going places. Be daring and creative: be joyous and give. Never lack the courage to boldly live. Let life flow through you like a sieve. Oh, my precious girls. The days I have spent with were the finest in my life,” said Auntie Carol as her eyes filled with tears. The girls surrounded her and gave her hugs and tears fell like rain from the heavens.
In the month that followed Auntie Carol and Lady Lynda prepared for their next great adventure, The Primrose Agency specializing in “Murder, most foul” to quote Shakespeare’s Hamlet, and diamond thievery. Well, that and other precious jewels, and of course, they’d investigate “art theft”. They wanted to deal with a certain class of criminal, and not petty crimes like robbing convenience stores. That would just be too “mundane”. Basically, they wanted to study the minds of brilliant criminals and try to figure out where they went wrong, in the womb or in the crib. It was Nature vs. Nurture. They were not averse to studying, serial killers, though they kind of considered them, “low class” and closely related to pillaging insects like roaches, Neanderthals who had never developed a conscience.
“Do you think Heidnick would have become a serial killer if he had received a proper religious instruction or had ever been a boy scout?” queried Lady Lynda.
“That, I don’t know, Dear. He was certainly quite queer. But, I’m sworn to find out. That’s what I’m all about. He may have just been a rotten apple. With that I grapple,” replied Auntie Carol.
“You remember the movie, “The Bad Seed” with Patty Mccormick? It was a case of Nature not Nurture. She was a little murderess and she came from a lovely family. Just astounding. And please, stop rhyming, Dearest, it gives me the vapors,” said Lady Lynda, fanning herself with an Oriental fan.
“In me you instill the will to stop. I don’t know what comes over me: what in the world is this. I am remiss! I bite my tongue: I am undone. “
“You can’t really help it, can you, love. I guess I’ll just “have to screw my courage to the sticking post”, as Lady MacBeth said. “What courage you give me ancient star”. A little bon mot for you, Dear.”
“Oh, I love that quote Dear: though to hear you say it is surpassingly queer,” said Auntie Carol. And she quoted Invictus by A.E. Henley which, of course, rhymed.
“Dark is the night which falls upon me/ Black as the pit from pole to pole/ I thank whatever Gods there may be/ For my inconquerable soul.”
“I think that Gypsy, Tekla, cursed you. Do you think that Dearest Carol?”
“Hob knobbing with goblins and ghosts, you’re certainly the most. I’d have to be tipsy to believe in a gypsy!’ exclaimed Auntie Carol.
“Well, I’m not the one who told her to stick it wherein the sun doth not shineth. I swear I’ll start talking in Elizabethan English is you don’t stop, Carol. Just nod you dad gum head if you’ll see a therapist about this?” She put her gentle gloved hand over Auntie Carol’s Piquant mouth and stared her hard in the eyes. And that was how Auntie Carol acquired her therapist. And they went Boldly Forth Where No Dames Had Gone Before.
Written by CAROL ANN BOND