Archive for May, 2011

Herman Sheman proposed the idea and Auntie Carol enthusiastically seconded it. To go to a fancy dinner at a world reknowned French restaurant in center city with Seymour Toze and Lady Lynda. Cameradary cannot be over-rated in this chill world, the love of friends is worth a pirate's bounty. When told of this most excellent plan, Lady Lynda embraced Auntie Carol, (not in "that" way, silly). She yelled, "Fantastico, querida, porque no?" (Fantastic, dear, why not?")

Not be outdone, Auntie Carol said. "Wundebar," which is wonderful in German. "Oh, you," said Lady Lynda, who embraced her again.
"Et tu,Brute. A little bon mot for you, dear," said Auntie Carol.

As mentioned earlier they decided to dine on Le Menu Degustation, as the restaurant so named it. A ten course meal with three desserts for each person included at the price of $185.00 per person. There were such entrees as black sea bass with piopini mushrooms, roasted diver sea scallops, slow baked Alaskan hallibut and meat entres such as roasted loin of lamb, Kombu cured Wagyu beef, stuffed truffles and New York squab. The entrees were just too numerous to list. The dinig room was in sumptuous tones of chartreuse with leather chairs and linen tablecloths and ambient light from the chandeliers and wall sconces. The huge chandelier in the main dining room glistenened like a pile of diamonds. All were much pleased with the cool, elegant aura of the restaurant.

Lady Lynda as she sat down murmured, "Dare I eat a peach?" and Auntie Carol replied, "Dare I dusturb the universe?" Herman Sherman said, "The Love Song of J. Alfred Puffrock, by T.S. Elliot, I presume" and laughed in his melodious tenor. Seymour Toze nodded in assent and grinned like a fox in a hen house. "The cargo is escargo," he quipped Seymour, who further stated that he and Herman both loved intelligent women.

The men both looked, as the Brits would say, "smashing" in their dark 007 tuxedos. Lady Lynda wore a flowing low cut chartreuse evening gown with rhinestone trim and her customary open toed stillettos. Auntie Carol had on a tailored, black linen sheath with diamond chandelier earrings and just the right amount of make up, burnt sienna eye shadow to accentuate her slate blue eyes and a coral lipstick.
Lady Lynda wore a trace of lilac eyeshadow to accentuate her diversely colored eyes and a hot pink lupstick bubbled on her bow shaped lips. It could be said that elegance was the by word.

As the woman complimented Herman on his choice of a restaurant, he replied that as a therapist he had a fairly extensive working knowledge of what would delight two such "lucious night blooming orchids." Not to be outdone, Seymour said he had intimate knowledge from the opposite end of the spectrum, that of woman's feet.

Herman laughed and said,
"I treat their minds and you worship their feet as I am told. You must have some of the blood of the god, Mercury in your veins."

"That, I do. I also like the requisite other portions of their bodies. Show him your shoe, Lynda.   It's from the store where I work, Into Leather." Lynda extended one of her shapely legs.

"Oh, my God, that's a beautiful shoe and what's attached to it is equally fetching, I must say," replied Herman.

"Methinks, he doth protest too much," said Auntie Carol, with a wink.

"Don't be jealous, Babe. You've got legs like the late Cyd Charrise and a body like Botticelli's Venus on the Half Shell."

Lady Lynda perked up her ears and inquired whether he knew that in the Biblical sense.

He replied, "No, my dear Lady, I can only surmise that as a man. I have respected Carol's wishes to remain pristine until our wedding night." With that he got on his knees and placed a rather formidable diamond ring on Auntie Carol's third finger. Auntie Carol's laughter echoed throughout the cool chartreuse dining room and she said, "Yes, of course, my darling."

"You had better get up, now, "said Lady Lynda, "lest they think you are doing something untoward" as she put her naked toe on Seymour Toze's crotch. Auntie Carol just laughed and held her ring up to catch the sparkling light and Herman resumed sitting in his chair. The waiter, who looked like the late Salvador Dali inquired about their drink orders as he placed water glasses and bread on the table.

Herman ordered champagne as the girls were at a loss never letting liquor pass their lips before and then he asked Seymour if he would take a Saligniac and Herman replied that he would take a dry martini with three olives.

The waiter said, "Duely noted", and flashed Herman a wink as he sashayed back to the kitchen.

Ane Herman laughed and said, "The gays always know. It's like I'm wearing a campaign button and they can tell who I'm for."

"I was just wondering about your, ah, condition," said Seymour gingerly.

"Seymour, how could you. Where are your manners?" said Lady Lynda.

"It's okay, Lynda. I'm a hermaphrodite. I engender curiosity wherever I go. Well, it's kind of like "Being The Man For All Seasons" as Shakespeare would say." And he threw back his handsome head and roared with laughter. "I am whatever the mood and my situation dictates."

"You mean you change like a chameleon," asked Seymour..

"Let's just say I could be the bride or the groom and never be the wiser for it. Confusing? Not for me."

"You don't find it confusing being a man and a woman?" asked Lady Lynda.

"No absolutely not. Do you find it hard that you can both love and hate? Two emotions at the opposite end of the spectrum? But it's still you isn't it. I can function equally well in both modes. That's why I am such a good sex therapist. And no, I do not consider myself gay. I love women in all their complexity. I want to rip off Carol's clothes and do her right here on the linen tablecloth!"

"Oh, my," said Auntie Carol. "And embarass the waiter and topple over all the water glasses!"

"It's a hypothetical situation, my love," he replied. "I would never cast aspersians on your character, sweetie. Surely, you know that."

"Well, that seems pretty definitive to me," replied Seymour, who reached over and shook his hand. "I'd like to get Lynda up against the wall like in that Brando film, Last Tango in Paris."
"Enough of the potty mouth," interjected Lady Lynda who removed her foot from his crotch sliding it back into her fancy shoe.

"Sorry, my love," replied Seymour sheepishly, "He started it."

"Yes, I guess I heated up the conversation a bit. Let's talk about 'The Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner'. What's your albatoss, Seymour?" asked Herman.

"Lady Lynda's virgininal status and the preservation of it," replied Seymour.

"Seymour, " said Lady Lynda sharply, "that is not proper table conversation!"

"I'm sorry, I don't know what got into me," said Seymour.

"What a gay thing to say!" laughed Herman.

"You're a witty son of a bitch. I'll give you that!" excalimed Seymour.

Auntie Carol patted both their hands and said, "Such bad boys talking that dirty stuff. Frankly it's over our heads. We don't think naughty thoughts because the preachers say the thought is the same as the act. A sin."

"And it's very admirable you are that way. Nowadays, girls blow offer with just the hint of a breeze," said Herman.

"Oh, hell, yes," said Seymour.

"Don't talk dirty, Seymour. You know how that excites me," said Lady Lynda.

"You and Lady Chatterly," quipped Herman.

"Is that the dreaded, dastardly D.H. Lawrence?" inquired Auntie Carol. "We recommend Jane Austin to our young ladies. Lawrence is verboten and rather declasse."

"If the food doesn't get here soon, I swear I'll just have to eat the waiter," intoned Lady Lynda.

Herman and Seymour caught each others eyes and burst out laughing.

Auntie Carol just looked perplexed and Lady Lynda shot Seymour a hard look.

"You, two, are just behaving like smart alecs and nobody likes a potty mouthed smart alec! For an an appetizer I'll have the melon balls and sweetbreads with shrimp for the entree. I like bread pudding."

Need I say it? Uproarious lsaughter from the men and Seymour whispered into Lady Lynda's shell like pearled ear. She blushed bright magenta and said to change her order to lamb for "no lady would ever eat that be it dead or alive! Sacre Bleu and heavens, no!"

Then she looked over to Auntie Carol and said, "No, you don't even want to know, my dear. I'll spare you the embarassment."

"Oh, think you, love, as I forgot my smelling salts and can take no more of this randy, obstreporous talk. A lady always knows her place."

"Oh yes, dear," replied Lady Lynda. "I could not agree more."

And that was how their "Most Splenid Evening" went as To Dine Is Divine.

CAROL ANN writer of Poems of Thunder (Noire & Whimsy) @ Amazon, Barnes&Noble & publishamerica.com

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Seymour Toze's Pedicures are Petty Cures.
To Lady Lynda's gentleman friend performing a pedicure is certainly not a chore.  He considers it his duty like a knight at service to his lady.  He likens taking care of women's sore achy feet as  solum as a priest entering the  priesthood. To Seymour it is practically a holy ritual. This was he believes he was born to do.  He reminds himself he comes a long line, several generations of men who loves to pamper women's feet.   He reflects on how his father, his paternal grandfather, his great, and several generations back dedicated  themselves to making the female sex feel  good about themselves literally from the bottoms up.

The "Into Leather" shoe salesman  bemused how he received he is an official certified  reflexologist.  The alternative healing technique that uses special messages for  the bottom of the feet to help with various health  problems throughout the body.  The massaging as Toze does it is invogorating and makes his female customers feel renewed in their soles  and in their souls.

The "Into Leather" employee  gladly gets his entire equipment ready.  Every one of his instruments is top  notch quality. Nothing but the best for his ladies. The toenail remover, polish,  sanitized cotton balls,  the toenail clippers,  the diamond emery boards,  the pumice stone, the  milk baths,  citrus soaks.  What ever equipment he needs to make his mostly feminine customers feel renewed from literally their heads to their toes.  There is nothing left to chance to pamper his ladies.  They are officially known as his clients but to the pedicurist he is there to do their bidding.

The shoe employee is proud of the fact that he make his clients feel so wondrously wonderful.  It is as if the entire stress and strain of their daily lives is gone and in its place an invigorating new lease on life is the result.  They are invigorated.  They are ready to go on with their business feeling a complete sense of relief, a sense of renewal.  Lady Lynda's beau is proud he is responsible for that feeling.

Each woman customer represented a new challenge to him.  For each represents a totally different set of problems.  Or as he likes to say issues.  Toze is very careful what terms he uses.  He would never ever say the words, hurt or pain.  He thinks these words would be far too disturbing to them.  It isn't like he would deliberately cause anything painful.  Its that some women's feet, especially their toenails may be because of their thickness rather difficult to cut/ So he tries his utmost not to upset them.  Instead of pain or hurt he uses the word discomfort.  Somehow he figures it sounds much better. Perhaps its the fact that the word comfort is in the word.

His thought was challenges make life exciting. Overcoming them gave him a sense of triumph.  The females could be young.  They could be undergraduate and graduate students. They could be young mothers,older mothers. Mothers with grown children. They could be grandmothers.  They could be what ever ethnicity.  They could be straight, gay or  bi or even transgendered.  Each of them presents different issues unique to them.

There are women with hairy toes.  To Seymour toes  with lots of hair resembles to him, tiny new born puppies craving to be licked.  Puppies so young, ripe as fresh fruit. Eager to be reassured  by his gentle hands.   Yet he realize he is a professional and he can't let his excitement get in the way. He preps the gentle cream hair remover . He figures a hand razor and especially an electric razor would be too rough.

Old nail polish he removes with gentle swipes with a cotton ball soaked in acetone free natural nail polish remover.   yellow and fungal nails he recommends seeing a podiatrist.  Seymour knows his limits.  For bruised, cut, scraped nails and feet, calluses, sore feet he uses the right equipment and an ultra vigorous massage.

There is a client he is super excited to service. His heart is doing a number in his chest like a  SouthAmerican rumba.
She is a woman who is the great, great, great, great granddaughter of the old time actor Russell Cro Magnon.  The "Into Leather" shoe salesman, pedicurist especially like s the way her face, especially her periwinkle blue eyes are so expressive.  How especially expressive they are as she enjoys his pedipampering.

Just one more note. Before the shoe salesman starts out his pedicure duties he sings in his mind.  Happy, happy feet. sung to the tune of happy talk.   Happy, happy happy feet yes its true, if your feet arn't happy how you gonna have a dream come true. Its from the song "Happy Talkmusic by Richard Rodgers  and lyrics by Oscar Hammerstein from the Broadway and Movie musical "South Pacific" For he knows if his mostly female customer's feet arn't happy they can't be happy either.  Yes his pedicures are good for their soles.  His service is toeriffic.

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Lady Lynda and Auntie Carol were no fools. They knew Las Cabronas were no spoiled, maleable surburanite girls from Bryn Mawr, as were their last female clients. In fact, Las Cabronas were all drop outs who trawled the halls looking for boys to populate their loins. The administration had tried to ban them but they just kept coming back like unwanted blemishes on the ass of a beauty queen. In time the powers that be just gave up on calling the police and accepted their presence as
an "unnecessary evil."

Auntie Carol said to Lady Lynda on the cold rainy Monday morning, "Dear, I have a little bon mot, for you. Tuesday's child is full of scorn, and cursed the day that she was born."

"Oh, exactly, dear, and I think we are in a little over our heads with these girls. I have arranged for The Black Orchid to come and speak to them this afternoon," said Lady Lynda."

Aunite Carol giggled, and said, "I hate to be such a biddy but I can't help but think they deserve what they will get."

"My thoughts, exactly, dear," said Lady Lynda who let out a belly laugh.

Promptly at five the girls began to stream into the classroom and LaLa handed them an unopened box of tampons since, in her own words, they were "both on the rag."

Then The Black Orchid slinked into the room with her pet panther which glistened like the dark night sky and on it's neck, a collar of diamond studs. The Black Orchid, splendorous as ever wore a spandex black gym suit with a midrff cut which showed the diamond stone in belly button. Diamond chandelier ear rings caught the prismatic light and dangled from her pert, pink earlobes. She stood about six feet four in her high stiletto, open toed pumps, and she wreaked of Shalimar and her familiar sex smell. The spandex conformed to the thin, powerfual curves of her thin body and showed her nipples to be hard.

She grabbed the box of tampons and chucked it into the waste paper basket.
"None of Ye will need these either since you're all probably pregant with little illegtimate babies, as we speak. Don't ever insult Auntie Carol or Lady Lynda in manner or in speech again or I shall tear you a new one. And as for Pantera (panther) she is tame for the most part tame unless provoked. Give mommy a kiss, baby," she said, bending down to the beast who licked her on the cheek and began purring loudly.

The girls began to murmur amongst themselves and a few were brave enough to laugh.

"Shut the fuck up, Ye rank little sluts, before I tear you a new one. Ye shall NOT disresect my friends, Lady Lynda and Auntie Carol. Ye shall become proper young ladies or die trying, and I emphasize the word, 'die'." Her midriff moved like the ancient belly dancers of Babylon, and she began to pace back and forth in a menacing way like a coiled spring ready to pop. There was no softness to her body save for her pert, tiny breasts perched high on her chest. There was a silence in the room and one could hear the sharp click of her high shoes on the linoleum floor. A look of puzzlement appeared on the faces of the girls while others glared defiantly, saying nothing.

"Ladies, and I use the word in jest, I am The Black Orchid and I have been alive for three thousand years. I am an immotal from the planet, Euthanasia. I have seen things and experienced things that would unhinge your minds, such as they are. I have survived wars, plagues, the death throes of many an empire. The passing of kings and queens, into the warm, moist earth in death. I was present at the crucifixion of Jesus and gave him his last cool drink of water. How parched his poor lips, and how beauteous his warm, burnt sienna eyes. A very sad day for me. I have yet to forgive our God, the holy Father for that. Strange and mysterious are his ways but for every pain he has bestowed on me, I am grateful for I only became stronger. Then she threw back her head and roared with laughter. It was like the sound of wolves howling and a look of fear flitted over the girl's faces for the laugh of an immortal is in no way like the laugh of a human.

"I will teach Ye to laugh at tragedy, and glory in your strength for I am woman and Ye are but girls. One fat, mottled, little strumphet of a girl timidly asked if the jewel in her belly button was a zircon.

"Darling," she said in her most sarcastic voice," I am loathe to wear immitation jewelry. Aren't uou glad you asked, dear." At that moment Pantera stretched and yawned showing her full array of fangs and her pretty pink tongue. One or two girls gasped and the Black Orchid commanded her pet to sit at attention. The beast resembled the Egyptian Godess, Bastet.

"So, you think you've had it hard, Ye little pussies. Ye are not but little criminals each and every one of you. You think because you have experieced agony it is permissible to pass it on to other less violent souls. Ye rob, Ye whore, Ye steal and sell your rancid, unclean little asses. You've had it tough and my heart goes out to you, Ye poor little bitches. Not!'

The Black Orchid laughed her raw, raucous laugh and tossed her long waist length black hair about.

"This is the Divine Comedy and Ye are too ignorant to know I just made a literary reference."

"Listen, teach, why you allow the crazy lady to bitch us out like this. We aint done nothin' to her and she loca (crazy)" said LaLa.

Auntie Carol and Lady Lynda just shrugged and smiled. "We don't know, dear. Maybe we're just mean. Psyche, as you youngsters, say," intoned Auntie Carol.

"I aint stay for this shit. Let's go bitches," said Lala at which point The Black Orchid went over and bitch slapped her hard enough to knock her out of ther seat.

"Ye shall stay, Ye rank little pussy. I could throw you accross through room and knock you into Tuesday, bitch! Ye shall hear what I have to say and be still. I am giving you a goddamned spoon of Life and verily I say unto you, you shall eat!"

Lala chasticed and pale got back in her chair for an immortal slap is no thing to ignore or take lightly.

"Listen, girls I was once like Ye. I whored, I stole, I murdered. And each thing I did drained my essence. The honeyed essence of life. An old peasant woman who was a shaman, or as you say, a witch doctor, taught me the ways of strength and womanly kindness and I grew stronger and forsaked my old self. Being a Woman is the most powerful thing one can be. A Woman nurtures and gives and is close to God. Ye are naught but sluts and criminals taking, like a river, the path of least resistance. No one loves you for Ye do not love yourselves. Ye are like piranhas attacking the weak and defenseless and thinking yourselves to be tough. Ye think Ye are realistic and do things to survive to the disadvantage of others. Ye shall burn in Hell and the flames are licking at your feet even as we speak."

The Black Orchid went over to Lala who saw the green malevolence in her emerald eyes and winced. The Black orchid took her forefinger and cut a line of blood under LaLa's chin. "Look," she said laughing, "The blood of the lamb, a sacrifice for Yahweh, The Old Testament God. An eye for an eye: a tooth for a tooth. That is your penance for your wickedness! And I could have as eazily torn off you silly, empty head. Listen to me girls. Ye are angry at the adults in your lives who have failed you in every way over and over again and you view the world as a hostile, carnivous place. For that, we three, don't fault you.  From shit to shit, as the saying goes. I am here to tell you that you can change and become the kind of powerful, good ladies who live happy, fulfilled lives. Change your hearts and your lives will change as well. Quit feeling a need to take vengeance on an unforgiving, hostile universe. I have been a slave, a poisoner and a High Priestess worshipped by thousands. All that matters is to love life and love yourselves. Ye shall stop your shenadigans and learn a trade, and I shall take you to live in my palace with your younger siblings. If you can't take the country out of the girl take the girl out of the country. Today, girls you become my wards and no is not an option. Ye shall learn to be ladies and full women. My limo awaits. I cannot save the world only a part of it. Ye cannot improve living in a cess pool. Your parents have assented to the change and were happy to take my sum of money. I bought you, in effect.
Ye are God's lost lambs and these two ladies must be respected and obeyed as they have much to teach you. You are used up like pieces of human excrement. Ye think she are tough but Ye are nought but weak, little pussies. You must take your own lives into your hands, and become goddesses."

She knelt down and allowed pantera to lick her entire face, and smiled, saying, "Nice kitty, that's my girl. We three shall cast the poison out of your souls, and purge Ye of the wish to do evil. And Ye shall become godesses, earth godesses anchored to the earth. Each of you come up and take my hands, one by one, and feel the warmth spread into your souls. You shall conquer the world, girls, with gentleness and finess. You are the masters of your fate, captains of your souls. Ye shall not walk alone on this path. We three will walk with until you are strong enough to stand alone."

And they did so and felt the warmth flood into their bodies, and a beauteous peace descend upon them.

These ladies, Auntie Carol and Lady Lynda will attend to your academics and your manners and we will secure you gainful employment and training. Ye shall no longer follow the path of least resistance like a river. Ye shall talk to therapists and cry leaden tears. Many tears to grow a garden of love within your hearts. I have but one rule. Ye are not to trifle with my slaves: they are solely mine, and mine alone. and for that I would most certainly dispatch you into the next life. I am a jealous Mistress."

Then the girls followed The Black Orchid out into the impending purple of a moist April night.

Lady Lynda spoke first. "They looked absolutely luminous, don't you think?"

"Oh, my yes," replied Auntie Carol who blew them a kiss they never saw.
Then she softly said,"Tuesday's child is full of scorn and cursed the day that she was born."
And she chuckled to herself taking Lady Lynda's gloved hand.

CAROL ANN writer of Poems of Thunder (Noir & Whimsey) @ BN.com & Amazon.com & publishamerica.com

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Beautious Pedicure

Seymour Toze loves his duties at the "Into Leather" shoe store. That is especially pedicure duties. That is because he is a connaissur of women's feet. He especially likes Lady Lynda's size 6 curvy, high arched feet. At least that's how her podiatrist described them. They are so high , Seymour serenely reflects, only her heel and front part ever touch the floor. To Toze the way her feet make contact with the ground is a metaphor of how he feels about her and her soles. His soul soars into the sky like being carried by Hermes with his winged feet. The shoe store worker's spirit is lifted off the ground like Lady Lynda's feet are lifted off the floor.

Seymour is inspired by his lady love's delicate feet. His strong desire is to pamper his female customer's bottom apendages like a new mother pampers her babies soft warm skin. His motto and belief is his caring professional pedicures are good for the soles. He definitely isn't balling any woman who wants a foot job from him. He loves doing footsies. It makes his heart go pitter patter the way he makes his lady clients feel being with him.

The man thinks to himself that his is a wonderful profession. A perfect fit for a man who adores toes at say the least. It never occurs him he needs to toe the line. Doing his line of work is to him, as stimulating as an invigorating foot rub. It is as wondrous as a relaxing jacuzzi soak. It is as sensual as a milk bath of the finest consistency, quality. But mostly it is a delightful way to keep the customers satisfied by getting to his clients literally from the ground up and then seeing from there.

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