Archive for February, 2011

Darlings, This is Auntie Carol and I have been going through Lady Lynda’s luscious Journals and came across the entry
about “High Tea” a ritual every young lady should be cognizant of. So I shall with the Lady’s permiso re-send it
It is charming that our Lady Lynda refers to herself in third person, or is it psychotic of her, Oh, me!

Lady Lynda in her salmon pink trim wool two piece suit with her lacy blouse. said, Hello class. She then asked Did you know high tea was started to ward off feelings of hunger from the English working class between lunch and dinner. She told them, quite flustered it wasn’t to get the drinkers high. It was named that because of the time it was officially served. She explained It started out as a relaxing time for the common people and now has come to be quite a ritual. Its official time is between 3 and 4 pm.
Here are the Instructions You must have the following equipment* Teapot* Creamer* Sugar bowl* Bread and butter plates,Napkin, different cream filled sandwiches, Scones,sweet fruit jams, tea from India, China or Japan

Won’t it be hard to find Chinese or Japenese tea.”
The woman gave the explanation one may but one can delight in English tea. She suggested English Grey. Lady Lynda explained Darjheling is an Indian tea.
The dowdy , pleasantly plump woman quickly perused the crowd. She couldn’t help noticing most of their clothes left ample portions of their nubile bodies exposed. It seemed as if their tops were cut so low it looked as if one could say that’s a really fashionable top your falling out of.

The instructor to charm school young women then wheeled into the room, a three tiered English colonial, wild cherry bark wood table, on the bottom level were the pitcher and cups. On the middle level were the fruit scones and on the top was the fancy silver tray with various wedged shaped tea sandwiches for the partakers to enjoy.

She next mentioned the specific particulars. That the table be viewed pleasantly. That only the best serving set will do. The finger sandwiches with the crust cut or whatever way removed cut into equilateral triangles. She asked if equilateral triangles reminded them of math.
The adolescent young women groan. The last thing they want to hear is something reminding them of school.
The self styled etiquette expert apologized and reminded them to serve nothing but finger food. She added specifically dainty finger food. That one
should be consistently dainty serving high tea. One needs to be proper every step of the way.

The sandwiches she noted should be of watercress, or salmon and dill, or creamcheese and chives. She insisted only real butter should be spread. There should be a creamer too, sugars and if wanted, artificial sweeteners for the tea. The cups should be designed with Rococo 18th century French royalty cups. The scones can be various fruit flavors.

She mentioned to prepare the tea , to boil the water. Then when the guests come, to “put the kettle on” She continued explaining to boil the water in the tea kettle. She emphasized it was crucial the water boil to infuse the tea just right, to guarantee full bodied flavor, potency. Then next she explained to put some into the pot, to warm it. Next teabags or loose tea. Pour more water into the teapot. Use a tea cozy to ensure a warm cup. Let the cup sit for at least three minutes. Then let the company enjoy,

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This is The Black Orchid and I must tell you I have lectured at Auntie Carol and Lady Lynda’s School for Wayward Girls. They are much concerned with the moral turpitude of today’s young ladies. I had to laugh my prime, alabaster ass off when they told me young girls were servicing callous, young studs for the price of a tear. They call it a “Hook-Up”! They are worshiping at the Citadel of the Almighty Phallus, or “going down” for free. They are not whores, however. A whore would have the sense to charge. Wanda Lust is up in arms about this practice as am I.

I think it unseemly that any young woman would risk her physical and mental health for a moment’s pleasure and not even her own pleasure, so to speak! A woman must be loved, cherished, and dare I say it, worshiped. This is what the ancient “Eve” wanted and what all other “Eves” who followed her wanted.
These young girls don’t admit they want love and appreciation. They say they don’t want to get “involved” so “Nobody” gets hurt. Preposterous idiocy. Fourteen years old and already jaded with life! This is not a Divine Comedy, I tell Ye.

Well, I sauntered into their classroom this Friday. I did not merely walk in, I entered like The Immortal that I am. I wore my black, sheer silk blouse with a black lace push up bra, and a black rubber miniskirt with mustard colored tights and eight inch, strappy stilettos. I was well over 6 foot 4 inches. My acolytes, two, handsome, burly Latin men with bare chests with chains, and tight leather pants, gently removed my long black wool cape. I slid out of my wrap like a snake shedding its skin. I made a hand motion, or a flick of my wrists to indicate that they were to suck on my toes as I talked. A third slave, a blond albino man with shoulder length hair stood by to refill my wine glass as talking is apt to parch one’s mouth. And I must be obeyed as I must have my Pleasure.

The girls were absolutely aghast with their eyes popping out of their heads and mouths hanging open.

“Dears,” I said, “I am The Black Orchid, a three thousand year old Immortal, and as I understand it you are little cocksuckers.”
One little Pipsueak Girl shyly asked if I was a high fashion model or an actress. I laughed aloud, and my laughter has been known to shatter glass.

“No, dear, I never act. It’s beneath me, and besides why confuse you little darlings as you are already confused from what I can glean of your condition.”

Then another called Pixie Girl remarked that I must have had a helluva plastic surgeon.

“No, darling, I use the same cream as the late, or very late. Cleopatra used. A darling women she was. An immortal, precious child, does not have petty concerns. I come here today to save you from yourselves. You have let these mini-Lotharios hornswaggle you!”

“Hornswaggle! laughed Lashonda. Then she asked if I had been watching cowboy westerns.

I said “Of, course, Darling. We, Immortals watch TV, and eat chocolate ice cream just like everyone else! I am hear to tell you to improve your minds. Read Shakespeare, Voltaire, Socrates, and countless others. No one likes a tabula rosa, or in your jargon, a blank slate. Improve yourselves, respect yourselves so others may do the same. With real love, there is sharing and reciprocity.”

“Oh,” said Lashonda, “You mean like getting something in return?”

“Absolutely, do not worship at the Citadel of the Almighty Phallus, allow a man to worship you, instead. The life of a girl should be worshipful lust. Ye are meant to be wives and mothers, not ten cent whores. You can call forth life from your bellies. Just think what man can do that! Yet you wear these cheap bracelets which tell what you will and won’t do. It’s like having a bar code on your pert young asses. A woman never lets a man know what she will do. Sometimes, she is a thorn in his side: other times she falls upon him like a cup of raw honey. Ah, girls it is divine to have one’s toes sucked and also higher up at one’s woman’s flower is glorious. I can see Auntie Carol is feeling faint as I mention these earthy things.”

“The morality of the fifties has much merit. In those days, a girl held out for a wedding ring. A woman demanded respect and did not prostitute herself for pennies on the dollar. That’s what you are doing darlings.”

“But then,” the guys won’t date us,” said Pixie Girl in dismay.

“And boys don’t like smart girls,” said Lashonda.

“For what you do, he should shower you with diamonds and pearls. A man should be pleasuring you and not the other way around. Ye should be goddesses.”

“Whatever,” said Lashonda.

“That silly word, again young lady.
“Why don’t you just say ‘Succubus’ instead. It would make you seem like a deeper person. Men adore women with minds, my dear little dove. Ye girls should devour books like a pack of ravening wolves! Put knowledge in your soul and increase your value. Ye are shallow girls, and ye are chuck for the circling sharks in this life. These boys are behaving like pimps and ye are permitting it. Put poetry and art into your heads. Ye have no right to be so jaded. Ye are fourteen years old for heaven’s sake! Being in love can sometimes mean being in pain or giving pain. It’s worth the risk. Now the first one of you to say iambic pentameter shall have something to suck on!”

“Whatever”, ventured Lashonda.

And I turned and stomped out with my slaves trailing behind me like so many pearls on a long necklace and I thought to myself,
“Get Thee to a Nunnery, Ye pale vapid flowers.”

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Slut in a rut

This is Lady Lynda responding to that hussy Karolina. I'd like to give that wench who called me an old cow a piece of my mind but I doubt she has one. Well at least I do. I wish she'd mind her own business. Whatever I wrote it wasn't meant for her. She was butting into something that was no concern of hers. Well one good thing she inspired me t write a poem. She's crude and she's rude. She's a porn star so I figure she's lewd. She loves to lay around in the nude. Her thinking is quite crude. She thinks she's sophisticated and sees herself as hot but she's not, and already her beauty's faded. She looks from her photo her face as tight as a drum. It it got any tighter she'd be really numb.

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Ay, Lord, I have been tilling my orchard. To walk nude among the grapes and eat them until my mouth is vampire red is my desire. And the moon that sly silver sliver follows me like a beloved pet. I make the best Cabernet in the World, a limited edition to be use in my love rituals to dampen the mouthes of my slaves.

Lady Lynda has encountered a vituperative whore, a Syphlitic, Slavic Strumphet who entered her private on line conversation calling her an "ugly old cow". Ye sloe-eyed Bitch, how dare ye deign to judge the lovely Lady Lynda, who shines from within? Ye are probably made of elastic plastic, the courtesy of surgury. Lady Lynda, ever the wit, suggested that you were a cancled Czech. And indeed, you will be by the time I am finished with you. Never, ever , shall you attack my favorite mortals. They are of fine character and genteel disposition, and anyone knows a lady never degrades herself in a cat fight, so I shall defend her myself.
You are of a cheap, ordinary metal, and a slave to men, and know not what a sonnet is. I, The Black Orchid, am the mistress of my men and the Lover of the Minotaur. You rot from the inside out: there is a fetid strench coming from you like the bowels of hell! Burned at the stake like the late Jean D'Arc. It would be pleasant compared to what I will do to you if you cross my path, you odiferous, foul mouthed Bitch. A pox on Ye, Bella Pussay!

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I, Seymour Toze believe I am in my rights in telling my opinion of my lady friend, Lady Lynda's part in her woman friend Auntie Carol's Charm school. While do think its commendable. Yes I really do. There are I hate to confess, some issues. For one thing neither of them inquired how I felt.
Well I'll tell you how I'm feeling, I feel like I'm being ignored. I know its the two ladies charm school. But being that I am the gentleman friend I think I have the right to some say. Plus I believe I could be of real help in my input. I'm thinking the classes could use a masculine viewpoint. Or at least my viewpoint...I must say I truly think its quite commendable what my lady friend and her colleague is doing for these unfortunate urchins. I mean what other ladies would take the time to show them the errors of their ways. I am proud to be the gentleman friend of Lady Lynda Hottenfetter.
She certainly is a dear. Plus I adore her in her open toed spiked heels I feel compelled to mention one of the reasons I love and greatly admire my Lady Lynda. I do hope they instill the importance of open toed spiked heels in young ladies.

A masculine perspective. Oh yes a manly point of view. As I see it ladies should be taught how to please their man. That to me is the noblest calling of a young lady or any lady for that matter. I think quite highly of these two ladies doing their best to instill this important trait in these young ladies. Ladies should be good, appreciative housewives and mothers. Oh my, why would they strive for anything higher?

Generally speaking, if anybody can teach manners to wayward girls its my Lady Lynda and Auntie Carol. I'm sure they got the patience to deal with such challanges. They make Eliza Doolittle seem like a princess. Even before she encountered Henry Higgens. I am so proud of my Lady Lynda, Auntie Carol.

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