Lady Lynda, and I were much troubled by the antics of today’s young ladies and young men. We decided to go to the public school system and initiate a Charm School For Young Ladies. Of course, all things being equal, we had to first contact the Superintendent of Schools to get approval for this most vital cause. Both of us, being independently wealthy, had decided on a life of social service like the Kennedys, or. shall I say, the late Kennedys
The Superintendent was a nice, thin, fidgety, man, who constantly twirled a yellow pencil in his hand, and he greatly resembled Woody Allen.
On the day of our interview we dressed in our best suits, pastel pink for me and lavender for Lady Lynda, the colors of after dinner mints. And of course, a lady is just not a lady without her dainty white gloves, and a tasteful hat. One is naked without them, I must say. One can never discount the power of a first impression. As we walked down the halls of the school, there was a dead silence, and the students cleared a path for us. Already, the students realized we were there to save them from their baser selves. It was glorious to so accepted and, dare I say, loved. I did hear one young lady,
say, “whatever” and I stopped and informed her it was not a complete sentence. A sentence must always have a subject and a verb.
I will not tolerate the disintegration of the English language as I was quick to tell her.
At any rate, the Superintendent, a Mr. Walter Fudley, received us warmly, and seemed favorably disposed to hearing our proposal. We presented our course material in increments so as to not overwhelm him.
The first was 1) Everyone respects a lady. 2)The importance of proper usage of the English language sans the dastardly curse word. 3) Abstinence is the best policy. Young men really don’t like loose girls. They prefer someone they can respect. Like the late Doris Day. 4) one must dress each day as if she were going to communion.This also applies to non-Catholics. 5) The attributes of a good wife such as
sexual loyalty (dare I use such a risque word), preparing good nutritious meals, keeping a clean house, instilling the proper moral attitudes in children, and being a coy, friendly helpmate to one’s husband in and out of bed. 6) The necessity for a suitable career objective. Marrying a drug dealer is not a suitable career objective! A woman must have some skill in the economic sector as her husband, the breadwinner, may become ill, or get fired. Being a sex phone operator is also unsatisfactory.
Nursing or secretarial skills are much prized. Also the field of teaching is quite advisable.
Then Lady Lynda moved from the particular to Our General Precepts.
She stressed the importance of being a unique individual. To march to the sound of a different drummer. Not everyone can be a cheerleader nor should she be. Succeed where all others have failed.
She further elucidated the necessity to be kind, generous, and loving at all times whether the person deserved it or not. She would inform them that one’s life might become a tragedy and this was all the more reason to strive to get into Heaven. In short, “Do Unto Others”. I am sure, darlings, you are cognizant of that phrase.
The Superintendent, Mr. Fudley, was silent for a number of minutes looking as if he were at a loss for words. He put his hand over his mouth as if to conceal a smile and his eyes kind of crinkled up like one of those, cute, Christmas elves one often sees. Then he drew himself up in his ergonomic chair and said, “Ladies, I see you have given this much thought but high schools have changed considerably since you were in school. Did you see the gun check points at the main entrance of our school?”
Lady Lynda blurted out.” Alors, and Sacre Bleu! I thought they were checking to see if the students had sharpened their number two pencils before going into classes!”
“No, Madame, I’m afraid not,” he said.
I said, “Well, that’s just not very nice. Bringing guns into schools! Is nothing Sacred, anymore?”
Superintendent Fudley’s brows Knitted up, and he
said he believed our venture was doomed to failure but maybe it would just succeed where all else had failed. Then he asked us out our teaching qualifications and I told him I had a B.S. in Medieval Literature and Lady Lynda had an M.S. in Art History.
And his eyes got a far away look in them and he said, “Ah, yes, Medieval Literature. Sir Gawain and the Green Knight. Le Roman de la Rose. I remember them well.
Ladies, you may consider this a descent into a Boschian Hell, as in The Garden of Earthly Delights. I think you are out of step with modern times.”
Lady Lynda forcefully stamped her open toed stilletto
shoe down on the
floor, and said, “Sir, it is our mission in life to reform and resurrect Today’s Youth for they are the future of our world. Today’s leaders, conquerers, and builders. A young lady must know more than how to lift up her skirts and young men must know something more than how to stickup convenience stores! We shall not take no for an answer. And shall return each day to your office until you give us permission!”
And she again stamped her open-toed foot on the floor.
His eyes glided over her pump and a lustful look pervaded his face. He ran his tongue over his lower lip like a young pup who had just eaten his Kibbles and Bits. He
muttered softly, “You are so forceful, Mistress.” Then he gave us our first school to visit, The Shady Tree Lane School for Wayward Girls. And that, gentlemen, is how we became Crusaders for Moral Rectitude!