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Archive for January, 2011


Lady Lynda and Auntie Carol walk primly into the classroom. They are both wearing prim wool suits, composed of jackets and skirts that fall below their knees. Lady Lynda is in Pale Lavender. Auntie Carol in Carnation Pink. They wear opaque stockings and flat black patent leather shoes. Their hair is done in a conservative style, like June Cleavor in Leave it to Beaver. Their makeup is tasteful, subtle, mascara, hint of pink rose on their lips. They have pinched their cheeks for twenty minutes to get that rosy glow one sees on ripe nectarines. And of course, the persistant presense of their little white gloves.

The teen girls sit primly in their wooden chairs, behind their wooden desks. They look glum, and extremely bored like this is the last place they want to be. The two teachers completely fail to notice their expressions or, at least, they don't show that they do. They move on with the surety of nuns reciting a catechism at the burning of Jean D'Arc.

"Hello class Welcome to Etiquette 101. Auntie Carol and I would love for you to think of here as your manner manor. A little word play for your amusement. Were it not for manners, our world would have been blown up long ago. Manners are your entre into the world of high society and I'm sure you'll be glad of this at your Coming Out Ball."
The two women look throughout the classroom. They see on the faces of the teens a look of consternation.

"Yo, Teach, we're not lesbians," says one mini-skirted young pixie.

"Oh, Lord, perish the thought.That would be a sin against Our Father in Heaven. Never trod that evil path," said Auntie Carol.

"Lookit, Miss Whatever Your Name Is, I said we're not gay!" retorted the same girl.

"Oh, Merciful Heavens, Thank you, Jesus, for sparing this young lady from a life of mortal sin!" said Lady Lynda "We will inculcate you into the world of proper courtly manners that you may attract a proper gentleman caller. Men do not like, dare I say the word, strumpets. They only use them for their baser needs."

"Now, she thinks we're all virgins. I lost my cherry at age fourteen to the football captain!" said Pixie girl.

"Well we can't all be gems," retorted Lady Lynda trying to help ease the unease.

"At any rate we are here to teach you the ins and outs of behaving mannerly."

Just then one of the more insolent girls dressed in a tank top and tight denim skirt so high it might as swell be a belt, quipped. "In and out reminds of something I really could use right now."

Another teen girl yelled" In and out, yeah, sex.

"We never use that term here or elsewhere. The proper term is coitis. Sex is too mundane a word to describe such a woman's most precious activity,and is permissible only in the confines of a sanctified marriage. Do not cheapen your most precious possession, your virginity!" intoned Lady Lynda.

Suddenly an adolescent girl's bubble gum burst on her face. Lady Lynda told her she was the height of rudeness. The girl apologized. She then proceeded to scrape the gum off her face and stick it underneath her desk. Lady Lynda looks on in horror and disgust.
Lady Lynda said "Did you ever realize about the germs on that gum. How you're spreading disease. What if radiation caused it to change it into a giant pink blob that devours people! Ever think of that?

Lady Lynda and Auntie Carol come to realize their etiquette classes for wayward girls was going to be a real challenge.

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This be Wanda Lust and I done brung Ol' Crazy Fat Harold home from the looney bin today. I gone stay wid' him 'til he git right in the head again. He got a big job, City Auditor, and he know money real good when he right in the head. When I gits him home, he say his mama aint never really leave him and he can still hear her voice in his head, a lookin' over him. I puts his hand on my ass and sez, "Can ya' feel that, fucker?" He take it back and say his mama jes' tole him not to do nothin' nasty.

Then I knowed he weren't right yet. He off his feed. So anyway, I cooks him a big steak dinner, baked potatoe wid' sour cream, cheese broccoli, biscuits and a from scratch chocolate cake wid' butter brickle ice cream. He et' like it the fuckin' Last Supper! His mama aint tell him to diet. Still it bother me that he say she still talkin' directly to him from his head. So, I does what the shrinks does and jes' lissen' and don't judge him none. But it worry me somethin' fierce cuz I know he aint be able to work like this. so, lil' by lil', I helps him git rid of the voices. I don' argue none and jes' be kind to him. And he git' well and go back to work. Then I knowed I loved him fo' the first time.

But, hold yo' horses, Y'al. Ya wants to think I goes off and marry him and get the white picket fence and purple pansies out front. Well, it aint like that, y'al. The street be in my blood. I likes the Life, and makin' my own money. Fast money. I be my own women.

Still though, I goes over to Ol' Fat Harold's every Sunday, and cooks him a dinner and fucks his ears off. And he pay me Big Time cuz I his gal.
I aint no fool, Y'al.

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There are major mixed emotions regarding my dear friend and colleage Auntie Carol's decision to start a charm school for wayward teens. I realize she means well. Does she want me to give up my dream of obtaining my MSW Or as that crude Wanda Lust would say mealy mouthed snotty whackjobs. Neither of them understand how important my MSW is to me. I do want to help those unfortunate freaks my gentleman friend Seymour Toze and I saw in Intercourse PA. At that "World's Cheapest Freak Show." Can you imagine going through life with a deviated septum? Oh Heaven forbid a Texas accent? Oh the utter horror. I was so heartened by that woman with the permanately curved little fingers finding work as a tea server at the local snack shop. It was so noble of that PA town to showcase those miserable dears.
I do wish Auntie Carol my best. She is right. I am troubled by the waywardness of our young women and their counterparts. We did dress well. She in pink and me in lavender. We wanted to make a proper impression on the high school's superintendent. I am certain our dainty gloves and suitable fashionable hats helped immensely with setting up a favorable impression.
I was bursting with pride when Auntie Carol instantly picked up on how that teen girl said "Whatever" Obviously that was a desperate cry for grammar help. Her rules for proper young ladies are good ones to me. I'm just hoping I obtain my MSW too

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