We digress too much. I guess it’s senile dementia or the Alzheimer’s is kicking in. This is Ye Old Hag, as the Black Orchid likes to call us. I’m Auntie Carol. Our main thrust (oh, you dirty minds) is to educate and civilize these “gangstas” at the Pequot School for Dastardly Bastards. Today they outdid themselves in crudeness and lewdness. They filled condoms with water and threw them at us. As you may surmise we were mad as wet hens. And Francisco was laughing his posterior off.
“Bet, you aint never seen a condom before, teach, or much less what goes in one. You is still virgins, I bet. How bout I show you my nine inches,” and he took “it” out.
Lady Lynda was so incensed, she went over and punched him in the mouth with a huge right clip, knocking him our of his seat. He protested the perceived abuse and said he was going to turn her in to Mr. Pequot for child abuse.
“We have carte blanche to do whatever we deem fit,” exhorted Lady Lynda. “You are the scum of the earth. all the other instructors have given up on you. You are drug dealers, thieves, scamers, and even,possibly, murderers. If you’ve ever offed someone we don’t want to know. You’ll all be dead at twenty if you don’t change your ways. And you will be “Gentlemen” before it’s all said and done.
I said, “Mark twain’s comment,’civilization would be a great idea if man ever tried it” comes into play here. You are nought but savages.”
“Oh,” said Francisco laughing, “That really hurts Miz Carol. We thought we were all high styled dudes with the stuff it takes to be men,” with that he grabbed his crotch and Lady Lynda clocked him again, knocking him back on the floor.
“Damnit, Miz Lynda, you gotta’ know I don’t hit no.chicks. Please stop punching me. My head’s got a buzz in it now.”
“You may say you’re sorry and I shan’t do it anymore. But it takes more than a cock, I deign to say, to be a man. SAY it,” she exclaimed.
“Okay, all right, we’re sorry,” murmured Francisco, and the rest of the class shifted nervously in their seats.” I aint never met no teachers like you two.”
“We want to save your lives, young man,” I said. “How many forty year old corner boys do you know? Why not? Because they’re all dead or in jail. There’s a cosmic conspiracy that lets the rich stay rich and the poor stay poor, or dead. If you want to play you’ve got to play by their rules. The more you learn, the more you earn. Life is like a Rubix cube you got to twist it right. To walk among them you must have the tools, job skills and the right English. Beware “aint” which is not a word and the nefarious double negative. Aint got no. Sacre Bleu! We want you to live, survive and prosper, and before this class is over, you shall speak the King’s English. We shall start with Shakespeare’s Hamlet. His uncle kills Hamlet’s father and marries his mother.”
“What a motherfucker,” piped up Francisco. “That was just way too good to pass up, Miz Carol.”
The room broke out in raucous laughter and I could see the wit in it and did not chastise him. We had our work cut out for us but I knew we would prevail.